| |  I've been kind of weepy lately.
Just for the last week or so.
I haven't been weepy in months. Like, a LONG time. It's certainly less disconcerting than not having any reaction to anything at all....
It's curious though - the emotion will hit me and I'll be forced to react to it. Then there's this period of recovery where I realize I have the ability (I'm not powerless) to choose whether I'm going to explore that emotion or discard it.
I feel like, for so long, I've been instructed not to entertain the sad thoughts. Just focus on something else, distract yourself, pray about it, anything but let yourself feel the way you feel about the situation. When you say it that way, people say that's not what they mean, but that's the only sense I can make of the advice. So I think maybe I did it. I "drove myself to distraction." And when I got there, I shut down entirely. Then I tell people that, and they say I'm still doing it wrong, that emotions are from God and He gave me desires and passions for good reasons. And my reply is that I don't have them any more. I don't even get cravings when I'm doing a cleanse and I'm not allowed to eat white sugar or spices. I just accept it as one more thing to deny myself... though I do get irritated that it's hard to find anything to eat. 
But even with this curious discovery about the choice to explore or discard... well, duh. I'm tired of being emotional. I'll always choose to be senseless. I mean, what good does it do to be sad about something I can't change? I had a lapse. So what? I had to sob for a second. Big deal. Just breathe in and stop thinking about it. And lately I've been hearing that you're supposed to ask God for the desires of your heart, but to do that would require me to admit that I have any, which at this point is like conjuring up something I don't acknowledge, and then we're back to the exploring of the emotion - the very thing I've been avoiding.
On a rather unrelated note, tell me if this sounds unusual: I'm in the office by myself last week because my boss is on vacation. I had turned the lights off because natural lighting (through the windows) is more pleasant to me than the fluorescent bulbs overhead. My back is facing the only door to our office, which is the one closest to the door that enters the building and is rather secluded in regard to the other company suites. All of a sudden, I hear the door click shut behind me. I don't even look up! A second later I glance casually over and it was just that I hadn't closed the door all the way the last time I'd walked through it. But by myself in the dark and the door shuts by itself? Isn't that supposed to register at least some small degree of fight or flight reaction?
My reaction disturbed me more than the possibility of door-closing ghosts.
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| | Posted 7/5/2009 4:05 PM - 1 View - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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