| |  Tell us, Bilford... how's it feel to be a hundred and three?
Well Dillard, it may be fine for some folks, but my hair's on the dresser. My teeth are in a glass. My hearin' aid needs batteries. *whoop!* A kidney stone just passed.
My blood is thin. My knees don't bend, got SPURS on my spine. My heart is in terrific shape... it's too bad it ain't mine.
I take a bath in Epsom salts. I drink Geritol six packs. Finally gave up butter though, after sixteen heart attacks.
My back is out. My hip JUST broke. Whoops! There goes a ligament! And nature calls so often, I think that I just went.
____________________
I'd never seen a moon shaped orange colored vegetable in my life! So I bit into it and it was just... it was NASTY! It crunched! And it had no flavor. So I asked 'em what it was. They said it was sweet potatoes. I said, "Sweet potatoes aren't supposed to crunch.... Sweet potatoes are supposed to come out of the oven on Thanksgivin' mornin' with marshmallows on top of 'em, and nuts down in 'em, and juice all through 'em. They're NOT supposed to crunch. DORITOS are supposed to crunch."
And they said, "Oh, brother Lowry, we don't overcook our vegetables in the north. We don't want to cook the vitamins out of the vegetables."
I said, "Oh, for goodness sake, take a pill and cook the vegetables." You can get all the vitamins you need in a One A Day! You don't wanna be chewin' on a One A Day. You ever bite into a vitamin pill? They taste AWFUL because they got VITAMINS in 'em! That's why you cook the vegetables till the vitamins are GONE and they'll taste better!
Cook that broccoli till it's yella! Then pour cheese sauce over it. "Die young, make a pretty corpse." That's my philosophy. I want my blood runnin' through my veins: "Scuse me, pardon me, comin' through, pardon me." Mashed potatoes with a lake of gravy in it. FRIED chicken! Don't bake the... leave the SKIN on that chicken! Don't make that bird die in vain! Fry that chicken. Fry it.
And don't put sugar in the cornbread either. That is not of God. Sugar in the cornbread is CAKE. When you bite into cornbread, it's supposed to suck 90% of the moisture out of your body.
Put the sugar in the TEA! That's where it goes! Not that pink stuff - it causes cancer. I tell ya, I like my tea so sweet, if you run out of syrup, you can pour it over your pancakes.
[I was told I needed to cut white sugar and spices out of my diet for a month. Can you tell I'm a little bored with food right now? Also, I can't seem to cook sweet potatoes, hence this post.]
|
| | Posted 7/3/2009 10:24 PM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
