Working up to mustard seed faith?

"And I will wait to find if this will last forever... And I will pay no mind when it won't, and it won't, cuz it can't." John Mayer

I like to search for truth among those who don't believe in Truth because the best of them tend to be brutally honest about the way things are. They'll tell you there ARE answers to the hard questions. Take their answers for what they are, and discard them if they're lacking truth, but don't let misguided ideas keep you from searching.

Believers, on the other hand, are often too afraid of being exposed... of finding themselves grounded on shallow tradition rather than on something solid. By shying away from the darker side of life, they sell God shamefully short.

These thoughts are brought to you today by the all around great experience of a killer hike up a beautiful Paris Mountain on an early fall Saturday morning. Who thinks I'll manage to get out there more often if I go ahead and get the year-long membership? *raises hand*

Also. I'm going to blog from Blogger for a while again: Learning Beautiful. It's just more accessible and such. I even changed the look. It seemed pretty today... we'll see how long I can stand it.

The Quiet of a Lonesome Heart

Okay, so maybe I lied. I probably would not ask C.S. Lewis for coffee if he were still alive and I passed him on the street. I mean, maybe. In a fit of insanity. That's not to say I wouldn't love to be a fly on the wall while he shared drinks and smokes with anyone of sound mind, but I'd fear I'd have nothing to add to a one on one conversation....

I've done my workout video. Stinky and sticky, I probably shouldn't do laundry, but I did anyway. Angels and Airwaves is still playing in the other room - I've done the workout so many times that I put on something else to listen to while I follow a silent television. I think I was going to post a lyric from this album, but I forget which one now.

Oh. That was the last song. The apartment is quiet now except for the clicking of the washer and the neighbor's dog outside my window. And the hum of some-crazy-body's air conditioning running. COMPLETELY unnecessary on a night like this.

Don't get me wrong! I really like coming home to a quiet home, deserted but for my beloved Marie, who sits in my open window grooming herself, as we speak. But it can make for a lonesome heart.

There was a time when I answered my complaint of "I just want someone special! To cook for, to clean for, to love on." with "Well, that's a sure sign, isn't it? You need to make a friend, serve a family in the church, get involved, LOVE ON some people there." But I don't think it's that simple because it's not that kind of desire. It's not simply that I want to give myself to random people who I may or may not ever see again, though there is a time for that too. It's a desire for one soul to invest in... one soul that receives it (and we all know *I* am very poor at this....) and reciprocates and will join me in the quiet peace of a home (the experience can't be captured in a common social meeting) where love is spoken with or without words. I KNOW it can be. And to go completely off blaring my own horn, I think I could share that kind of love with someone. Sometimes I get to thinking I have a lot to give... this deep chasm filled with homeless love... which is no good because then I get discouraged over having no one to give it all to.

But then someone will say, "Well, shoot! Give ME a shot!" And... well, that's not that simple either. There are a scarce few I can trust easily, and without trust, there can be no love. Or so they say. Or they say it like "There is no fear in love," and an inability to trust is kind of like fear. I've seen trust built, against my will, over time... but it's extremely difficult. I invariably sabotage my own game.

Still. We will always have the poor with us. Those needing love. If for no better reason, I should practice on them.

But hope. Where is hope? I don't want to leave you without any. Um... tomorrow's Friday! Also, I bought a new coffee maker because the hand-me-down one I have didn't seem to be able to get hot enough, so I get a brand new pot of coffee in the morning. Unfortunately that doesn't offer YOU any hope, but it makes ME happy! But mostly I would leave you with this: an old friend used to say, "If it were good for me, I would have it." You don't get to know why so many things YOU deem good are beyond your reach, but you can rest assured that you DO have what you need for this season, even if it's strenuous and painful training. Remembering that a loving God won't give you the things you want if they're not what you need (read: to have them would be NOT to have the lack that you DO need) won't fix loneliness, but it just might fix your gaze on something more important.

"Spread love like violence." That was the lyric. A good motto, I think. Much better than "Ohhhh poor me."

"What This World Needs" by Casting Crowns

I really like this. Like, a lot, a lot. Like, I won't usually touch Christian music with a ten foot pole and yet this "bridge" if you will almost makes me cry. I found this when I was trying to find the words online, and thought it'd be good to reference it for an opposing viewpoint. Personally though, I think it's kind of fantastic.

The world is very confused by Christians, I think. By the hypocrisy and the back stabbing and the senseless adherence to tradition. Why is it so hard to put the truths we've heard since our youth into real life? Why is it so hard for so many to trust God or live without being paralyzed by guilt over sin? If we could collectively fix that one thing ALONE and just live in the joy of the freedom that Christ's sacrifice bought us, what a difference it would make. Maybe then we'd actually look different. Certainly we wouldn't be so concerned about the trivialities that make us look like a bunch of three year olds who can't get along with our own siblings....

When will we learn to love? It's not rocket science... it's just good wisdom. Not even the kind that is hidden from the hearts of the unsaved... this is "common grace" kind of wisdom. And when we have so much more reason to love... why don't we? Why are the ones who should be the most grateful acting the most self important?

"It feels like the church isn't anything more than the second coming of the pharisees...." Andrew Peterson

Seasons come, seasons go

It's an amazing night, isn't it? It was starting to get muggy inside but then I threw open the windows and back porch door and now it's almost chilly. New seasons. New seasons are good.

The farm is gone. The deed changed hands a few weeks ago. I went up the weekend before to hang out and attempt to help mom and dad clean it up a little and decide which memorabilia I wanted to take away with me: a couple of pictures from the bathroom, Pop Pop's Exacto knife set, Mamoo's dishes that I associate with the holidays we shared at her house, an antique heating pad, some cutlery.... I found out that weekend, too, that another season's also ending - mom and dad are converting Josh's and my old bedrooms into a suite where Amy, my future sister-in-law, will stay for a few months before the wedding. Meaning that, in a way, I won't ever be able to go home again. Not to the room I grew up in.

We need that sometimes, y'know? To be forcibly brought to the end of a season we'd never have ended of our own accord. Like the growing up that occurs when you realize your parents aren't as perfect as you thought and which makes you into a better adult in the process. Like losing a job because you'd never have left your comfort zone if you didn't have to. Like a lover who pushes you away because you couldn't cut ties on a "good" relationship that always left you both unsatisfied.

I get this feeling sometimes. Like I'm on the edge of something big. Personal breakthrough, huge life adjustment... something. I've certainly been thinking better this past week, at any rate. That's been nice. I'd forgotten how good it can feel to have an active, living brain! Let's see if I can remember this time. Let's see if I'll let it carry me through to the next season....

Cooking

I enjoy cooking. You'll never hear me say I'm very good... only that I have some really good recipes. That is to say, I can follow directions, but it is something else entirely to ask me to cook creatively.

I'd recommend to any fellow cooks who are also interested in health: Women's Health. 28 recipes, shopping lists that last you a week, meal plans, it's great. I don't follow it to the letter like I did when I first started but I still like knowing that I'm eating well.

That's all. I just wanted to share. ^_^ And also that tonight I had Penne with Chicken Marengo and added jalapenos. OOOOOOH man. How is it that I've never bought myself a jar of pickled jalapenos before this week? Stupidridiculous.