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| My iPod died at the end of a song about halfway through the trip home from Thanksgiving. At first I thought it had paused itself, since it does so on a regular basis - I think it has something to do with the headphone jack. But upon touching the buttons, I realized the screen was not coming on. I spun the wheel and heard the clicking for about fifteen seconds with no response from the screen itself before it all went completely dead.
I listened to CDs the rest of the trip via the car CD player whose buttons don't work (so if you don't like a song or it shuts the CD off because you couldn't fast forward through a skip or if you want to use the radio for your iPod adapter, you're out of luck. Volume and Eject is all you've got.)
 When I did get home, I plugged the iPod into the wall (thinking the battery might well be out) but to no avail. So I tried plugging it into the computer which told me it did not recognize the iPod and I needed to reformat it. Meanwhile, I was still getting no reaction from the iPod itself - no light, no life. I decided it would be a good idea to try to restart the computer before taking all the music off. (as you recall, either the iPod or computer or both are incapable of handling putting more than a hundred songs on the iPod at a time, so putting the music back on the iPod would be a tediously involved, day-long project)
The computer froze on the black and red "Toshiba" screen and wouldn't go any further.
I force shut-down a couple times before unplugging everything, including the battery. A while later, I tried it again and it started fine, but still didn't recognize the iPod.
I did a search for troubleshooting iPods and tried all the tricks I could find. Nothing.
I gave up for a while.
Upon returning, I tried a few more things to get the iPod to respond. Doing nothing I hadn't done before, after some matter of failed attempts, it decided it now felt like waking up.
In order to update the information on my iPod, I have to connect the external hard drive to my computer so that iTunes can find the music in my library (much of it is stored there). But whenever I plugged the hard drive in, I got an error message saying Windows couldn't recognize the device. I restarted a time or two, got the same black and red frozen screen of death, unplugged the battery and everything else, restarted, and still couldn't get the hard drive to respond.
After some searching and telling the computer to update the information it "didn't have" on the device it "couldn't read" only to be told that the device was "already up to date," it finally popped up a window saying I'd connected an external hard drive; would I like to auto play? Since I've been writing this, the hard drive has disconnected itself (is my typing so disruptive to the desk that it's shaking the connection loose?) twice, but at least the computer hasn't said it can't read it again.
Fortunately, since nothing was working, my iPod didn't reformat and it looks like I at least haven't lost anything. That's only after a preliminary glance though... it may have thought it was a good idea to delete the third and seventh song from every CD without telling me.
I'd put a " -_- " smiley face here, except that it seems I've lost my connection again and Firefox can't access the smiley button. Since I can't post the entry without internet access anyway, I'll try to reconnect. First I have to disconnect fully, because it can't seem to do that itself. Then I'll pick "fletcher," because it always stays connected the longest, but it tells me the four bars it has are no longer real - fletcher isn't a real option, what fletcher? and that I have to choose another account. At this point I either refresh the window or tell it to disconnect from fletcher because it's already reconnected, but badly. After three or four tries, I might have gotten an account to work long enough to find a picture to match the topic of the post, get uploaded, and with one more reconnect, I might actually get this entry on my blog.
Will it work? It'd take a miracle.
And even if it does, I'll invariably have to go back and edit something or other, and when I try to click on the "edit" link, Firefox will minimize the window instead of following the link because my laptop mouse has a part-time glitch and will maximize/minimize the window instead of clicking. Makes for a very irritating game of Spider Solitaire, I must say, especially when it takes so long to process the "maximize" option because my machine didn't actually come with enough RAM to run itself. I'd use my external mouse, except it's still unplugged from trying to get the computer to restart....
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| Yesterday was Thanksgiving.
Today is Black Friday.
One is the day set aside from the whole year wherein we are encouraged to meditate on the things for which we are thankful. The day that follows it is one of the greediest, least patient, most self-serving, most dangerous shopping days of the year.
I offer thanks for the right to stay home....
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| It's been over two years since I've seen that movie. I know that because I remember the last time I attempted to watch it. I was at 911 in Columbia, with a handful of girls, and I left halfway through the movie because I couldn't stop sobbing. Since I don't particularly care for things that manipulate my emotions, I guess you could say I've been afraid to attempt another viewing, even though I own the DVD.
I saw another movie recently that featured a preview for The Lake House; that's probably what got me thinking about it. Figured I could give it another try. If you've seen it, you might catch the irony of the fact that it's been two years... but I digress. To be quite honest, I was curious if... perhaps even hoping... it might have the same effect.
It didn't.
How does that work? Not that crying or not crying during a movie HAS to mean anything necessarily, but I'm talking about the bigger implications. I mean, I'm saved. I have a future to hope for. Worth hoping for. I have a relationship with God. He loves me. SO much. I'm blessed beyond comprehension - I could write a BOOK about all the "things I'm thankful for."
But somewhere along the line I willed myself to forget how to care about any of it. I know a lot of truths and I understand the implications - what they mean about how I should live and view life. Perhaps I understand too well, or rather, too much of one side and not enough of another. Hurdles are a normal, necessary part of life that should be welcomed for the good they'll bring about. God is working - I'm thankful that He cares enough about teaching me to use the best methods, even if they're unpleasant in the meantime.
So I accept it. Trials are absorbed into my heart rather than piercing it. I accept them as good... but I can't bring myself to feel the impact. Or anything else.
How can a child of the Author of Love forget how to love?
I won't feel guilty about being depressed. That's just nonsense. But it frustrates me. And I'm ashamed - for the same reasons I don't want to label my car. So I probably shouldn't label myself!... But it's one of those nights where I need to talk to the void because none of the faces whom I could address seem like "the right one."
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| I enjoy bumper stickers. Funny, thought provoking, tasteful bumper stickers.
I just don't want them on MY car.
I didn't even want to put parking decals on my car for college. I tape them to the inside of my rear windshield instead. Don't know why I'm so anal about it, but I am.
So I mentioned that I inherited my brother's car a few weeks back, right? He doesn't hold to the "no stickers on the car" standard, and he already adorned the aforementioned vehicle with several. Granted, most of them were necessary decals for navigating on base as a marine, but he also had an UnderArmor (hot on him, but I don't own any) logo sticker and a simple black and white text sticker that read "a theist".
Clever. If I'd seen it on another car on the road, it would have made me smile. But somehow it made me very uncomfortable knowing that sticker was following me around everywhere.
Now, hear me out before you start quoting Romans 1:16 at me.
 I can only speak from personal experience, so bear that in mind, but I'm going to assert that mentalities are different on the road than when interacting with a person face-to-face. An individual who is normally very patient and genteel can suffer from an incredible amount of road rage. My theory is that it has to do with the fact that you're not dealing with people you can see - you're dealing with large metal objects that seem to act stupidly a lot of the time and are forever getting in your way. Am I wrong? It's SO easy to judge! Every day you may very well find yourself driving behind someone who is swerving, driving painfully slow down a one lane road, dodging in and out of traffic, and cutting in front of you. What you don't know is that those individuals may very well have just spilled hot coffee, are trying to find their turn, are headed to the hospital to deliver a baby, and just saw that they're about to miss their exit because they're not familiar with this section of interstate. Are there legitimate jerks out there? Of course. But I'd venture a guess that most of the people who ACT like jerks aren't doing so intentionally... or perhaps even knowingly. How many times have you been driving down an unfamiliar road with people honking and passing you because you missed the speed limit sign that increased the speed significantly?
So here I am. I'm a Christian and it's extremely important to me that I convey the message with my actions and words that God makes a difference in my life and in the way that I treat people, and that all Christians aren't pig-headed jerks. But you know what? I'm also learning to drive stick. I still stall out occasionally, to say nothing of the difficulties I had the first week or two. And I make those same human mistakes - I find myself in unfamiliar territory that makes me drive a little slower, I look down to change CDs and go over the double line, I find myself in a daze and have to rush over to make my exit. Attach God's name to that and what happens? "Those Christians. They're so proud of themselves. All their stupid cutesy bumper stickers. But do they know how to drive? Look at this poor loser. Holding up traffic because she didn't take the time to learn how to drive before getting out on the road. Psht. Jerk. They're all the same."
You see what I mean? Maybe that's just fear of man talking, but it's way too easy to imagine the scene for me to think that it doesn't happen all too often. I'm not ashamed of the gospel. I'm just afraid I'm going to make IT look bad in a situation where I'll never have another chance to interact with the person who has just easily and thoughtlessly judged me for being fallible and judged God by association. Judge me, fine, but leave God out of it.
What do you think? Am I making too big a deal out of it? Has anyone else ever thought about this?
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| "Jessica, think about it. You go to church every week. And care group. You read your Bible every day. You tithe. You pray. You go to a lot of extremes to live differently than people who aren't religious. If God was really out there, wouldn't He want to provide for your needs? Give you something simple like a job?"
Well, no. You could make the same argument for anything, like the fact that I don't have a boyfriend, or that I had to give up poor Bruce (I miss him so badly...), or any number of things.
I'm a Christian, sure. And God loves me - of that I'm certain. I'm still human though. I can't see what's to come tomorrow, next month, five years from now. There are plenty of possibilities, from "Jessica needs to have some time to read and rest and do some deep thinking" to "Jessica needs to have a good reason to move away" to "Christa needed someone to drive her home from the doctor on Friday morning" to... any number of reasons that may or may not directly affect my life but necessitate my joblessness right now. I can't see the big picture. If I were the boss, I'd have gotten a job months ago. But I wouldn't want to be the boss if I can't see what's ahead... and I can't.
Besides that. And much more importantly. There is in the question an implication that I deserve something for my good deeds. I scratch God's back and he darn well oughta scratch mine. Well, no. Absolutely no. I can't earn my way into God's good graces - I broke that communion on my own, long ago, and once broken, there's nothing I can do within myself to fix it. He fixed it for me, and it's because of His making me like Him that I have any heart to serve Him at all. Why would I deserve anything from Him... for something that He's done? He does love me, and He blesses me constantly with good things. I just don't deserve them.
I didn't actually have anyone pose the introductory question to me, but I worry sometimes that someone will, and that I won't have a good answer ready. Now maybe someone will... and my answer will make them think... and that alone would be the best reason for this time. I'm discouraged. I'm tired of hunting, of being rejected. I dislike being in limbo, especially for so long. But for all that, at least I know that even if I lose everything, I never need to lose hope that He's working all things together for the good of the bigger picture. And when He pulls back the curtain on the masterpiece, the echo of His words will still ring: "Then they will know that I AM the Lord their God."
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